sannion

Earlier today, I was heading to the park when I came upon a murder of crows. There were literally dozens of them camped out on the sidewalk, talking furtively to each other. When I came by they all flew across the street and continued their secret plotting ... except for one. Who sat right there and stared at me with these strangely intelligent eyes. This, of course, caused me to think of Hermes which, weirdly enough, led me to thinking about the æsthetics of Greco-Egyptian polytheism, and how the image we present to the world is a magical construct.

Then, just a little bit ago I was heading to the grocery store. I came upon two gentlemen. One of them had a big black dog on a leash (a truly terrifying beast) and the other had a small child strapped to his chest. Both seemed to resemble mad scientists with bushy hair and unsettling eyes. They were talking animatedly, so I took out my ear phones to catch what they were saying, which was:

"The first poems were magical. They were meant to be memorized, so that the person would have guidance in the next world. It's true! Look it up!"

I smiled to myself and put the ear phones back in.

Why do I have a hunch that these are both ideas I'll be exploring more fully in the future?

I am currently reading Secret Identity: The Fetish Art of Superman's co-creator Joe Shuster by Craig Yoe ... and it's truly awesome stuff. I'm a pretty pervy guy, and yet some of this has even me blushing and looking away. And it's all done by the guy who created Superman! Which is abundantly clear since a lot of the figures resemble classic Superman characters. Aside from the erotic content I really enjoyed the introduction which shed a light on the early history of comics, censorship, and a crime spree involving Jewish Neo-Nazis. Seriously! The "secret life" of Shuster himself is shocking, sad, and downright strange. Definitely not something to miss.

If you're interested, check out Yoe's website, which has lots of cool stuff, including some of the artwork:

http://secret-identity.net/

You know, I just realized something mildly amusing. Arsinoe sort of breaks a pattern of mine. Up until her, I apparently had a thing for suicidal chicks. I mean, let's look at it:

Semele - immolated by Zeus when she went against her nurse's advise and demanded he reveal himself in full.
Ariadne - hung herself.
Arakhne - hung herself.
Erigone - hung herself.
Kleopatra - poisoned herself.

Coincidence? Or does this reveal something unpleasant in my relations with the fairer sex?

Of course, this doesn't apply to the full-fledged goddesses that I honor. And both Berenike and Olympias would be exceptions as well, though they're more legendary figures that interest me than spiritual entities I have dealings with. (Unless you consider Berenike's inclusion in the general cultus I offer to all of the Ptolemies.) And the clever reader will note that the common denominator here isn't so much suicide as it is Dionysos, so if there's an issue it isn't really mine!

Today, while doing some writing in the park, I hit on another song for my growing Arsinoe playlist: Wild is the Wind by Nina Simone. (Click here for the lovely lyrics by Dimitri Tiomkin and Ned Washington, and here for a cover of the song by David Bowie which he was inspired to record after meeting the incomparable Nina Simone.) Aside from just being a gorgeous and heartfelt love song, there are associations that make it even better.

As I'm sure all of you know by now, upon her death Arsinoe Philadelphos underwent apotheosis and was granted a portion of the honors of Aphrodite, being worshiped both as a goddess of sailors and the lovesick. (And if you didn't know before, you do now.) Our dear Arsinoe had many shrines built for her, both on her own and integrated into the temples of other deities. But her most lavish and important temple was built on a headland midway between Alexandria and Kanopos. This site was called Zephyrion because it looked out upon the ocean and the Western Wind, who in Greek myth is called Zephyros.

"Midway between the beach of Pharos and the mouth of Kanopos I have my place amid surrounding waters, this windy breakwater of pastoral Libya, facing the western wind from Italia. Here Kallikrates established me and called me the Temple of Queen Arsinoe Kypris. Chaste daughters of Hellenes, hither come to her that shall be named Zephyritis Aphrodite: come, men that labour on the seas. Our Captain has made this temple a safe harbour from all the waters." - Poseidippos, Epigrams

Now, while I'm sure location had something to do with this choice, I suspect there was more to it than that.

After all, Zephyros has strong connections with Aphrodite, since he was there at her birth:

"Sea-set Kypros, where the moist breath of Zephyros wafted her over the waves of the loud-moaning sea in soft foam." Homeric Hymn 4 to Aphrodite 2 ff

Not to mention all sorts of pleasant, erotic, and fertile associations, as seen here.

In fact, the other night I found a completely random - but thoroughly interesting! - connection between them. I was looking up the history and meaning of the word fuck, so I turned to that bastion of scholarly respectability known as Wikipedia, where I found the following:

compare the Greek verb οἴφω (oíphō) "I have sex with", and the Greek noun Ζέφυρος (Zéphyros) (which references a Greek belief that the west wind Zephyrus caused pregnancy).

Unfortunately, I have yet to find any further corroboration for this, but then I haven't really looked very far, either. If true, that is perhaps yet another link in the chain!

In closing, I'll leave you with Kallimakhos' lovely allusion to a myth about Arsinoe and Zephyros, from Aetia Fragment 110:

"At once Zephyros, the brother of Memnon the Ethiopian, the gentle breeze, the steed of Lokrian Arsinoe of the violet girdle, moving his swift wings in circles dashed and seized me with his breath, and carrying me through the humid air he placed me in the lap of Kypris."

Now, listen to the song again after reading all of that and tell me it isn't a perfect choice.

Click here. Come on, ya know ya want to!

Remember how I mentioned that some archaeologists are claiming that they've found the lost army of Kambyses?

Yes, well, almost as soon as that was posted I began seeing other archaeologists and history bloggers expressing their doubts about it. Probably the most informative post I've seen thus far is by the rogueclassicist who points out that this isn't the first time we've seen this claim made before.

Mysterious porpoise deaths blamed on berserk dolphins. See, the Greeks knew that dolphins were kinda shifty - and now science proves it.

8 sex moves every woman should try once. Apparently if you're a Mormon. I was thinking they'd involve Space Camp, Tennessee Taco Swap, or Christ, even Reverse Cowgirl. (I could provide links, but I think it's better to make you google these terms yourself.) But no. It's "slip into something unexpectedly sexy," "talk but don't touch," and ... ready for it? This is kinda out there ladies ... "run your fingers down his spine."

*gaspshockhorrorgiggleblush*

Can you believe Glamour magazine actually went there?

Speaking of uncomfortable things done with Mormons ... there's a comic book bio of Twilight "author" Stephenie Meyer. Turns out her life has been just about as boring as you'd imagine. The best part about it - aside from the really, really bad art and the fact that they have Dracula narrating the thing - is that they depict Stephenie considerably skinnier than she actually is ... in a comic-series specifically intended to highlight strong women and give girls positive role-models. Niiiiice.

And speaking of dickish things, the MPAA shut down an entire town's municipal WiFi because a single user had illegally downloaded a movie. Bastards.

I was going to find some witty way to tie these next ones in, but fuck it, they're just too awesome.

Here's a bunch of Hungarian Ventriloquists doing a cover of "Yesterday." And yeah, it's way creepier than even that makes it sound.
Here's a couple of Smurfs having sex. Probably NSFW, unless you work somewhere really awesome.
Here's a preview for the upcoming remake of Clash of the Titans which looks pretty bad-ass, even though I fucking hate Perseus.

And, finally, to end this gallimaufry on something of a high-brow note so you'll still respect me in the morning, here is a surprisingly decent bio (considering the source) of one of my personal heroes, and the longest-reigning monarch ever (somewhere between 94-64 years; scholars aren't entirely sure how long he actually ruled, just that it was looooooong), Pepi II Neferkare. He has a truly impressive resume of accomplishments. But I like him because he really, really wanted an acrobatic dancing dwarf from Punt. Really. As in, he used the full resources of Egypt to send out an expedition to find one, and then gave them very precise instructions on its care:

Come northward to the court immediately; [...] thou shalt bring this dwarf with thee, which thou bringest living, prosperous and healthy from the land of spirits, for the dances of the god, to rejoice and [gladden] the heart of the king of Upper and Lower Egypt, Neferkare, who lives forever. When he goes down with thee into the vessel, appoint excellent people, who shall be beside him on each side of the vessel; take care lest he fall into the water. When he sleeps at night appoint excellent people, who shall sleep beside him in his tent, inspect ten times a night. My majesty desires to see this dwarf more than the gifts of Sinai and of Punt. If thou arrivest at court this dwarf being with thee alive, prosperous and healthy, my majesty will do for thee a greater thing than that which was done for the treasurer of the god Burded in the time of Isesi, according to the heart's desire of my majesty to see the dwarf.

The Pepi wants what the Pepi wants.

Why did no one tell me that the town of Arlington, Massachusetts has a replica of the Arsinoeon of Samothrake? Here's a picture of it, even! erl_queen and I were just back east in New England last month!

Arrrggghh!

The story behind it's construction is pretty cool. A couple of super-wealthy old ladies went on a tour of Greece (because that's what you did when you were loaded and part of genteel society back in the day, as opposed to now where you do loads of coke and show everyone your cooter) and when they returned to Arlington the town was in need of a water tower. Being all philanthropic-minded, they were like, "Sure, we'll give you the money for one - but you have to make it like the awesome Greek temples we saw on our trip!"

And the people were like, "Uh ... it's a water tower ...?!"

"No temple, no water tower! Ha!"

So they picked that one because it was a tholos or round structure, which is probably the best shape for holding large amounts of water ... I guess?

I like me some crazy women.

I foresee a pilgrimage in my future.

Two drunken hobos are in a fight outside my apartment. There is screaming and the breaking of glass and I can hear Police sirens approaching. The cause of all this commotion? An argument about the music of Marvin Gaye.

O_o

I just got back from the park. Down by the shore there's a bench I sometimes use for my oracles. It's on a slope that ends right at the river, shielded by trees on one side and a strange semi-circular wall that resembles a Greek theater on the other. The local fowl seem to find it a choice spot as well, since geese, ducks, and pigeons by the score huddle there when they're not being hassled by screaming children. Near this spot there's a ledge of rocks in the river that produces little mini white rapids when the river is flowing fast. Well, it's been raining a lot this last week or so, and it's had a strong affect on the Willamette. The river is massively swollen, to the point where you can't even see the ledge anymore. On top of that, the sun was beginning to set so the river had these touches of vibrant pink running through its whitish-silver surface and it was all so ... beautiful, sublime, powerful. Gods, I just stood there completely speechless, unable to even think of anything else, overwhelmed by emotion. It was strong enough that I could feel myself starting to tear up. Just from seeing this amazing swollen river. I knew in that moment exactly why the Egyptians worshiped Hapi, and why when the Greeks came on the scene they worshiped Neilos. How can you not? This is the source of life, of abundance, of everything good and pure and perfect. And you, you get to see this thing because you are alive, and isn't that the most miraculous thing of all? And I love my river, and I love my park, and I love being in such a magical place whose beauty can bring tears to my eyes. What Leonard Cohen says in this video resonates so strongly with me right now, though Antony's singing does a pretty good job of capturing my mood as well.

Return of the Ibis: A venerated bird may make a comeback after disappearing from Egypt more than a century ago.

The ancient Egyptians venerated a number of deities in animal form but rarely has that veneration been of much benefit to these species in modern Egypt. Most are extinct. Sekhmet, the lion-headed goddess, was venerated as the daughter of Ra but the Lion disappeared from here centuries ago. Taweret, who looked over women during childbirth, was portrayed with the head of a Hippopotamus but the hippo died out at least 200 years ago through hunting and habitat destruction. Sobek was worshipped as the crocodile deity, a symbol of royal power, but the Nile Crocodile has been wiped out north of the High Dam. Thoth, represented as a baboon or an ibis, was master of the scribes, but the present day Sacred Baboon and Sacred Ibis have both disappeared from modern Egypt. The good news for one of these species, reported in Nature Conservation Egypt (NCE)’s first e-newsletter www.nceegypt.org, is that the Sacred Ibis might just be on the verge of returning.

The rest of the article is quite a fascinating read.

Yesterday I was hanging out down by the river as part of a month-long devotional thing I'm doing to reconnect with the land-spirits. Unfortunately, the last couple days I've been sick as a dog so I haven't been able to manage a lot of the stuff I know I need to be doing to rebuild those relationships - but I think the fact that I dragged my sorry carcass out there anyway went a ways to showing them how serious I am about mending things, since I could definitely feel them in a way I haven't been able to for a while. Nothing intense ... but they were definitely there on the periphery. Plus, the park was absolutely lovely, bathed in a blanket of fiery leaves. I was sitting on the park bench, surrounded by a horde of birds digging for worms, watching the smooth surface of the river rush by, when all of a sudden I got a strong urge to take out my iPod and play some music. The first couple songs to come on weren't really significant (unless you count Disturbed's Down with the Sickness which came right after a nasty coughing fit) but then a song by Basil Poledouris started up. Slow, rhythmic, and a little melancholy - it fit my mood perfectly, especially since the river seemed to be moving in perfect synch with it. Had I discovered a new song for my Nymphs playlist?

Before the thought had fully formed in my head, images of Arsinoe took over. At first I tried to shake it off and get back to being focused on the river and its attendant spirits, my whole reason for being here after all. But the more I resisted, the stronger the images became. Finally I just gave up and let the mental movie proceed. It started off with her lying on her deathbed, accompanied by her grieving husband and their courtiers ... then all went dark. Then light again, as the Dioskouroi descended to gather her up to Olympos. I saw her presented to all of the different gods of Olympos, ending with Aphrodite who welcomed her and bathed her and caused her to be reborn as a goddess. And finally, there was Arsinoe revealing herself to mortalkind as a benefactor, flanked by the Nymphs.

All of this played out to the accompaniment of the music in such a powerful way that I doubt I will ever be able to hear that song again without thinking of that association.

Here's the song, in case anyone is interested:



And don't laugh - the Conan soundtrack is like a modern opera, man!

Anyway, it's kind of strange that Arsinoe is becoming such a strong presence for me. I've been engaged in the cult of the Ptolemies for several years now, and never felt a strong attraction towards her or much in the way of reciprocity. I honored her in the general way I honored all of the non-Dionysian Ptolemies, and totally dug her story ... but that was pretty much it. In fact, the only Ptolemaic Queen I've had anything serious to do with was Kleopatra VII. So, this is new and rather peculiar, especially since the feeling I get from her is very different from anything I've gotten from Kleopatra. At this point it hasn't really gone beyond the peripheral stage. No direct encounters, just a sense of ... presence. But the way things are going, that may just be a matter of time.

A while back, Lupa put out a request for guest reviewers to handle some of the overflow she’d gotten through her Pagan Book Reviews blog. Being the shameless book hound that I am, I answered the call and snatched up a couple choice titles to read in between my usual Greco-Egyptian fare. The choicest of the choice was undoubtedly Joseph Peterson’s new translation of Arbatel de magia veterum. Just holding the book in my hands was a pleasure. This is a handsomely designed volume by people who take pride in craftsmanship. The illustrations were lovely; the notes added much without being overwhelming; and the original Latin text was provided for comparison, something I always appreciate in a translation.

 

Although I had never read the Arbatel before, I’d read plenty about it. It’s one of the classic texts of Renaissance magic, influential in the development of the system of planetary or Olympic spirits so important in modern CM. Most of the passages I’d seen quoted from it were fairly dense and dry and a little difficult to follow. They also employed hopelessly archaic language. If ever a book was in need of a clear, concise, and modern translation – it was this one! (After all, the previous translation, from which most of the quotes I’d read had come, was done in the 17^th century.)

 

And Peterson’s translation does not disappoint. He makes this important esoteric text come alive through his simple yet elegant prose. It almost gives one the impression that they’re sitting in at a lecture of learned scholars discussing magic, philosophy, religion and history. In fact, that was probably the most surprising thing about the Arbatel. Most of what I had read about it had led me to believe that the Arbatel was something along the lines of a philosophical grimoire. And there are parts of it like that, but mostly it seems concerned with Neoplatonic theology, providing an overview of the history of magic, and driving home sound ethical advice. In fact, a sizable portion of the aphorisms which make up the Arbatel are devoted to that last topic, which gives a very different impression of magic than many people often have. As Peterson points out in his introduction, throughout the text there are admonitions “to help our neighbors, be positive and grateful, and use time wisely. Above all, it teaches us to pay attention, looking for the wondrous and miraculous. In fact, to the author this virtually defines the magus.”

 

Peterson’s introduction was one of the most enjoyable parts of the book, and would almost be worth the price alone. He traces the history of Renaissance magic back to Late Antiquity and the Neoplatonists and Hermeticists, with a lengthy discussion on the preservation, use, and adaptation of these important texts. Although none of the information was new to me, considering my interests, I think he handled it well and I’d definitely recommend it to someone who was curious about authentic pagan survivals during this time period.

 

Of course, the Arbatel being a product of the Renaissance as it is, the “paganism” that it presents is of a very curious sort. There are nymphs, and daimones, and magical creatures and even gods and demigods as part of its cosmology – but these are all subordinate to the one true god of the Christians. The author may quote Homer and Hesiod as authorities on certain matters, but he defers to the Holy Scriptures above all else. Still, if you can manage to skim past the pious interjections, I think you’ll find a lot of genuine worth and historical curiosity in this text. I’m sure I’ll be reading it a couple more times. 

One of my good friends has just released her latest book, which you can find here:

http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/the-fosterling/7905590

A chance discovery in the woods near her home pulls her out of her mourning and thrusts her into a land ravaged by war. With the hope of an entire race suddenly in her hands and the weight of their world on her shoulders, Meghan finds herself embraced by hundreds of people calling her family. Grief is forgotten as Meghan struggles to adapt, and to keep herself – and their future – alive.

Doesn't that sound interesting? Go forth and purchase it.

So, The Box starring Cameron Diaz and James Marsden is coming out. It's a thriller about a working poor family who are given a box by a stranger. The guy tells them that if they push the button someone, somewhere in the world will die. However, in exchange for this they will be given 1 million dollars.

You know, this would be no taut psychological drama if I were involved.

Scary guy: Mr Lewis, I assume you've received the box? I've got an offer to make. If you push the button, two things will happ ... what are you doing? Why are you pushing it? Stop that! Now listen. If you push that button ... hey, I see your hand reaching for it! Listen to me! By pushing that button you are ensuring that an anonymous person in an undisclosed location is going to die. Hey, give that back! Stop pushing the button so hard, you're going to break it! No, you don't get to decide who the person is. Just randomly shouting out names as you push the button doesn't change anything. Aren't you bothered by the fact that you've probably wiped out a small island nation by now ... no, screw you, Mr. Lewis! Stop waving the box at me and pushing the button angrily in my direction. It's not going to have any effect. What the hell is wrong with you? I was going to give you a million dollars ... no, you can't keep the box.

Yeah, that wouldn't make such a good movie upon reflection.

But man, have I got a list of names I'd use that fucker on ...

So, in my account of Halloween, I asked the rhetorical question:

Can you imagine what Anthesteria would be like if it were a popular part of our mainstream culture?

Well, eumeliannyikha provided a frightening glimpse at what we might face should that ever happen here.

*shudders*

So, I'm putting the final touches on the Hekate devotional, and as with the previous volumes I'd like to include a fairly comprehensive bibliography of books and websites related to her. I've got a bare bones list started, but I know that there's a lot out there and so would appreciate any recommendations that you, my more knowledgeable readers, could make. Feel free to comment here or e-mail me at sannion@gmail.com.

And here's a follow-up to this post, with some pretty scary details about the folks involved. Check out the woman who actually wrote the guest piece. There's a not-quite-right look to her eyes.



Thanks to kriosalysia for bringing this to my attention.

It's funny how these things work.

I'm one of the few people who continues the cult of the deified Ptolemies. (At this point I can think of maybe 4 or 5 others who honor them in any meaningful way.) Generally - and perhaps unsurprisingly - I have a stronger connection to and interest in the more explicitly Dionysian members of the family. (E.g. Ptolemy Soter, Ptolemy Philadelphos, Ptolemy Philopator, Ptolemy Auletes, and Kleopatra VII and Marcus Antonius. I also have a thing for Euergetes and Epiphanes but they didn't play up their connection to the god as strongly as the others.)

Well, lately, I've been feeling this intense pull towards Arsinoe II. She was pretty bad-ass in life - one of the strongest and most independent of the Ptolemaic Queens, and the real power behind the throne. (Her husband even admitted that he was following the foreign policy she had set down in one of his royal decrees.) She was passionately devoted to the gods - Theokritos' delightful 15th Idyll is set during a festival she sponsored - and she was one of the first queens to be granted posthumous divine honors. Her cult appealed not just to the Greeks at court, but rapidly spread throughout the Egyptian countryside, infiltrating many of the prominent temples there where she was worshiped as a consort or synnaos theos ("temple-sharing goddess"). To the Greeks she was regarded as an aspect of Aphrodite and her main temple was at Zephyrion. (This is the temple where Berenike later dedicated her lock of hair. I've written about this here and here for those who might be interested.)

Well, over the last month or so I've been finding all this information about her cult, including scraps of miracles and mythic traditions I'd never come across before. It's all very fascinating, especially the picture that's begun to emerge. And the way that this stuff has come to me - a line here, a poem there, a passage in a book I randomly pick up - is making it even more compelling and tantalizing. (And yes, dear readers, there is a full-fledged article in the works.)

Well, during the weekend I found a song that'd be perfect for her. (I have collected a bunch of songs that I use for Kleopatra, Antony, and the Ptolemies generally - but so far nothing especially for her. Hell, until now I hadn't even thought I'd need one - but the way things are headed, that may change.)



Aside from the obvious reason why this song works (and if you don't know what that is, dear reader, you ought to go back and read the links I provided) it's got some very touching lyrics that are appropriate for a whole set of other reasons. Plus, I've always loved this song and it just tickles me pink (hence the choice of embedding color) that I now have a good use for it.

I just love when things come together like this!

So, you guys may remember that we had planned to attend the Eugene Witches Ball on Halloween? Well, we didn't.

After a lovely trip to the Masonic cemetery and a Thanateia celebration (during which erl_queen and I set out offerings for a number of underworld deities: I'm sure there will be a proper recap with pictures later) xi_o_teaz came by and we all got into our costumes and an appropriately festive mood. (Meaning I drank a lot of alcohol, which I consider an essential prerequisite for dealing with Wiccans.) Then we headed down to the pizza parlor, dreading what we'd find. I admit I had pretty low expectations - but they managed to disappoint even those.

The pizza parlor is right smack dab in one of the busier parts of downtown, and this night there was an uncharacteristically heavy amount of foot traffic since all the frat boys had decided to dress up and parade about drunkenly. The pizza parlor is pretty open - the whole store front is nothing but windows - meaning that you could stand outside and watch everything that was happening within. Which, as it turns out, a large and noisy group of people had decided to do. I don't know about you, but that isn't really the sort of environment where I'd feel comfortable doing serious ritual. Especially since the pizza parlor was open to the general public. We saw a family with kids walk in and order some food and drinks to go. While they waited they pointed and laughed at the people in costumes doing a circle dance. (Most of the costumes, I'll add, had precious little to do with vampires.) Again, I don't know about you, but setting is important in my rituals - and I don't really think that a bar with some poor schlub taking orders is the kind of ritual prop that I want in the background. I don't know why they couldn't have had the ritual proper in a more discreet location - I mean, the pizza parlor is pretty large, they certainly had room to close things off, or at the very least put up curtains so that the participants wouldn't be subjected to the gawkers outside. But clearly we have very different ideas of what makes for proper ritual decorum. This was driven home when an elderly couple stopped, read the sign out front, and said, "Oh look! It's a vampire themed party. What fun!" At that point erl_queen, xi_o_teaz and I looked at each other and collectively said, "So, where to now?" This thing was a sham and a disaster-in-waiting and though we all love a good snark, it just seemed too painful to endure even for the lulz. Plus, they were expecting $7 a pop for admittance. Hell no. So, we wandered on to the next club and used that money to buy ourselves heavily watered down drinks to dull the horrific memory of that event. (We won't even bother attempting their Winter Solstice which, inexplicably, is slated to be held in the same location. Cause nothing says birth of the Sun-King like a steaming pizza pie!)

On the plus side the clubs we went to played decent music - including erl_queen's request for the seminal Halloween song, Bela Lugosi's Dead - and there were lots of funny costumes to watch including two guys dressed as the Twin Towers with flaming planes stuck to them, a bunch of frat boys who together formed a string of anal beads, and things even less tasteful than that. Also, why is it necessary for every woman to be dressed as a "Sexy ____"? I mean, seriously? Is that all you can think of? Where's the fun and imagination? Or hell, here's a novel concept: maybe try dressing as a frightening creature or dead thing since this is supposed to be the time when spooks and creepy-crawlers roam the earth. But whatever. Tits and ass will always carry the day.

Thus ends my misanthropic holiday rant.

I have to say, I have never been happier practicing a minority religion. Can you imagine what Anthesteria would be like if it were a popular part of our mainstream culture? Now there's something to give you nightmares on this cold November day!

Put aside your fears of swine flu. TV preacher Pat Robertson’s Web site has just issued a bulletin warning Americans of the real threat we face this season: Demons may be lurking in our Halloween candy.

Writer Kimberly Daniels asserts that “demons” sneak into bags of Halloween candy at grocery stores.

“[M]ost of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches,” Daniels wrote. “I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.”

Whooh. I am soooo glad that they released this urgent warning. I mean, what would we have done without this information? Probably eaten a shitload of demon-infested goodies.

Speaking of which, if you manage to find any demonic peanut-butter flavored treats ... send them my way. I know how to get rid of those things properly.

(Thanks to brujaoscura for bringing this to my attention.)

Oh, and here's a Halloween inspired quote from one of my favorite Greek authors:

"Eurynomos, said by the Delphian guides to be one of the daimones of Hades, who eats off all the flesh of the corpses, leaving only their bones. But Homer’s Odyssey, the poem called the Minyad, and the Returns, although they tell of Haides and its horrors, know of no Daimon called Eurynomos. However, I will describe what he is like and his attitude in the painting. He is of a colour between blue and black, like that of meat flies; he is showing his teeth and is seated, and under him is spread a vulture’s skin." - Pausanias 10.28.7

In the spirit of Halloween, I give to you this grab-bag of links. Some are treats, some are tricks, and some will melt your fucking mind.

To start off with, I present to you Muki's Kitchen. Have you ever imagined what would happen if Rachael Ray and Hannibal Lecter had a baby? And that baby grew up to do porn? In Japan? Well, then this is the site for you!

Speaking of porn, here are some amazing non-sex scenes from porn.

People who shouldn't do porn at all, ever, under any circumstances? The people of Wal-Mart. *shudders* This is some scary shit, folks. You were warned.

Oh, and here's a whimsical picture of Hitler eating a Big Mac at a McDonald's ... no doubt one of those Micky D's in a Wal-Mart.

Speaking of Nazis, it seems that Scientology is getting a run for its money from a new religion on the block, Fictionology.

Some beloved childhood characters that'd make fine objects of worship are the ones from Dr. Seuss' books. But you might hold off on that after seeing these covers created by the ever-talented dawnpiper.

Also, Tyra Banks is apparently afraid of dolphins. (And bigger than Jesus.)

Something else that's bigger than Jesus? This goat! He's awesome! And this chicken, who lived for 18 months after it's head was cut off. Damn, that's hardcore.

But not as hardcore as Boilerplate, the mechanical marvel of the 19th century. Holy shit, did he get around and meet people.

I bet he knew the secret of how they get the caramel inside the chocolate in Cadbury's yummy Caramilk bar.

And that, I'm afraid, is all the stuff I have bookmarked for now. So, have a happy Halloween and get off my lawn you noisy brats! I'm watching you!